TIME FLIES.....AGAIN!

Seems like time is just whizzing past - the weeks fly faster and faster. It used to be said when you thought that way it was a sure sign you were getting older - well, even the young ones seem to think so now too.

A great part of the past weekend was spent in bed - a sure 'fibro flare' with all the old symptoms rearing their heads again. Amazing how quickly I can adapt to feeling good and then when the pain and fatigue hits I am caught totally unawares. In the good days / weeks it is easy to say that there's more to life than fibromyalgia (or any other debilitating ailment / condition), truth is that when it does hit, it takes my focus off the 'more to life' things and fair square on my limitations. And this is NOT what God intends or wants for me....He has bigger plans! To focus on my limitations is to focus on ME .....my focus must be on God Himself. O Lord, through all of this help me to keep YOU at the very centre of my focus, not to be distracted by that which I cannot control but rather to be drawn to You. Why O Lord am I so slow to learn?

WEIGHT ISSUES

This weekend I woke up afresh to the fact that I have W E I G H T issues! Oh, just think - all those years I really honestly did think I was FAT ...... well, I now weigh 30 pounds heavier than I did then! How did it happen??!!

Just one pound at a time creeping on. In the past couple of years I've tried Weight Watchers where I lost nothing, then a half-hearted attempt at Slimming World where I lost nothing and still the weight creeps steadily on!

I've blamed several things for this steady and sustained weight gain - the first being fibromyalgia.....well I do blame it for everything else! I look back though to all the walking I did several years ago and I don't have the energy for it now so I'm really getting very little exercise.

Yesterday was a turning point...... we were going to Barbara's for Sunday dinner and mum's birthday so I decided we would walk there and back. I think it was a good brisk 20 minute walk and you know what - didn't do me any harm at all. I just hope my energy levels keep up as I'd really like to get into being a little fitter.

In the evening, after a sumptious dinner and the 20 minute walk back I did some exercises on my newly acquired gym ball.

All was fine until this morning - back, neck, knees, thighs......is there any part of me that's NOT stiff and sore. Anyhow, I am determined....no point moaning about the size and shape of me, doing nothing about it and then spending the summer miserable because nothing fits me or looks right on me.

I've also joined the work weigh-in today - maybe this will give me a little added incentive.

ANOTHER MONTH GONE!

Can it really be that we are already at July 30th?? Much, much, much has happened since I last blogged and I'm still struggling to believe most of it!

Just looking at my previous post I feel the need to mention first that I have indeed continued with my neuromuscular therapy and yes, I do feel that I have reaped many benefits from it. I feel as the weeks have gone on that I have had more energy, also pain and sensitivity levels have decreased greatly and life has been more tolerable and even more pleasurable than had been previously.

I started at 3 appointments in the first week, decreasing to 2, then 1 and then down to once in 2 weeks, then once in 3 weeks. I was to have had a session last Monday which would have been another 3 weekly one - rather daftly, due to time pressures I cancelled that appointment and have lived to regret it! I have re-scheduled for Monday again and am looking forward to it.

This past week has been extremely tiring and tonight I'm even feeling irritible and weepy - bring on the neuromuscular therapy I say!!

I would dearly love to know how other folks have found this therapy but I don't know anyone who has tried it for fibromyalgia......well that's what I get for staying away from fellow fibro sufferers!!

Anyhow, I do believe this therapy was indeed an answer to prayer and that I was led of the Lord to undergo it. He has truly been good to me.

NEW THERAPY

Okay - today heralds the commencement of a new route for me......

NEUROMUSCULAR THERAPY.

I hadn't heard about it until 2 days ago - tonight I have my first appointment and I do have to say, having spoken to the practitioner last night at length that I am feeling opitimistic......but then I tend to be optiomistic about all new remedies or therapies I embark on.

I do wonder though about a few aspects in this one.....

....the timing of me being made aware of it

....the person who brought it to my attention

....the care and obvious concern they showed in the manner in which it was mentioned to me

I have long wondered silently if 'fibromyalgia' is a correct label for this or could it be that various conditions are now just categorised under this heading? I don't know.

Anyhow, having spoken to the therapist last night, and he being so very positive in his approach, I head off to see him excited that I could indeed be taking the first steps to getting my 'old' life or former self back. Oh to have that energy and zeal for life again!

I have drunk my 1 litre of water over the past hour as instructed and I feel about fit to burst. I'm also thankful he's not an acupuncturist - I fear one needle would cause a tremendous leak as I've been keen to get as much water into me all day as possible. Lots has gone in, lots has come out but I fear much has also been retained!

It's a short way to his surgery and I plan to walk - a walk of faith! If anything's worth getting, it's worth going for, and yes, I will consider it almost a walk of faith.....I will get up and walk! And use the walking journey there to pray.

THE VOICE OF PAIN....a poem

THE VOICE OF PAIN

Yes, it has a voice
Sometimes just a whisper
To let me know it's there -
A gentle, nudging reminder
That my body's not my own.

Yes, it has a voice
That I can hear so clear
Speaking through the darkness
As if to reinforce
That my body's not my own.

Yes, it has a voice
Through gritted teeth it snarls
While speaking to my soul
Of what I know full well
That my body's not my own.

Yes, it has a voice
A loud and screeching cry
That pierces through the night
Telling every limb
That my body's not my own.

Yes, I hear pain's voice.

But hush, be silent, pain be still,
I hear a loving voice
Gently calling through the storm
Telling body, spirit, soul,
That I am HIS - and He is mine.

I hear my Saviour's voice!

YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION LORD

- WORKING - BUSY - RUSHING - BUSY - CROWDING - BUSY - SHOPPING - BUSY - FUSSING - BUSY -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - F I B R O M Y A L G I A - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

REST - WAIT - PEACE - BE STILL - REST - WAIT - PEACE - BE STILL - REST - WAIT - PEACE - BE STILL


O how our ways differ from our Lord's. HIS ways are not OUR ways. He has plans and purposes for our lives that we cannot begin to imagine, and sometimes He has to choose a painful route to interrupt OUR plans and get our attention.

Our lives are busy, always on the go, endless activity, achieving, organising, making the most of every minute of every day in our 'doing'. And yes, often our 'doing' is FOR God. But is this really what He wants, what He desires for us above all else?

If we look into His word, surely He exhorts us to:
'WAIT' Psalm 27 v 14
'REST' Psalm 37 v 7
'COME APART' Mark 6 v 31
'TRUST' Psalm 4 v 5

Oh yes, we can be busy FOR Him, doing FOR Him...the Lord is getting our activity, our busyness but is He getting US? Are we fellowshipping with Him? Does He have our quality time.... come to think of it does He have ANY of our time? Can we even hear His voice in the midst of our activities and restless strivings?

As I look into His word I see that He calls us apart, unto Himself, to rest with Him, lie on His breast and be at peace.
Only now do I see and accept God's purposes in these conditions and restrictions placed upon me. I have resented my inactivity, my enforced resting....but now I am beginning to rejoice in it. Not because of it or for it but IN IT. I see that God has brought me to a place with Him where I am required to 'come apart', 'rest', 'wait patiently' and 'trust'.
I considered myself and my life blessed when I enjoyed good health and boundless energy......this does not even begin to compare with the blessings He has now bestowed upon me in this chronic condition which I believe He has allowed into my life to achieve His own purposes - ultimately to draw me apart into a closer relationship with Him.
How I resented my sleeplessness night after night - but He has brought me to see it as time that I can spend with Him - while all the town sleeps He and I can commune with no distractions.
In the stillness of night I have enjoyed renewed fellowship with Him - recommitting my life to Him and seeking Him in a way I haven't done in years.
This has NOT been an overnight revelation.... I am stubborn, rebellious, slow to accept change, reluctant to move from my comfort zone, and...... it would appear I have hearing difficulties - the Lord must speak loud and slowly to me.....perhaps it's just that my ears and my heart have been so long closed to His voice. But bless the Lord o my soul! HE KNOWS ME better than I know myself and He is patient! I have been slow to respond but He has been patient with me...and in this very period of my life has brought me to His best for me.

Can YOU hear His voice, is He calling you apart?
I now believe this is His purpose for me - if fibromyalgia is His way of getting me to come and settle at His feet, rest awhile with Him, hear His voice, put my trust only in Him, then I have to say.... 'so be it Lord' and thankyou for YOUR plans and I leave YOU to work them out in YOUR way.

SLEEPING PILLS

I guess you all know what I'm talking about when I mention sleepless nights. A decent night's sleep is a rarity for me....in fact a decent night's sleep still includes waking about three times during the night. Jonathan goes to bed and sleeps the night through... every night! When he gets up in the morning he doesn't know where he'll find me or what I've been up to during the night....

This past weekend has been our annual public holiday weekend and we've been off work Monday and Tuesday so it has been a welcome break from the routines. We always take my parents out for the day on the first day of the holiday so yesterday we had a full day in Donegal - weather was fab and everyone was nicely relaxed after all the busyness of recent weeks. We got home and, since I hadn't managed an afternoon nap I was exhausted so got to bed 8.30, did some reading and reckon I was asleep by 9.30 - 10pm. I woke at 12.40, went to the bathroom and thought 'this is it!...I'll never get back to sleep!'

I lay and thought of all my wonderful new friends at Living Whole....
I pictured you all in my mind.....
Thought of all the things I now know about you.....
And I prayed for EACH one of you.....

And went to sleep :) GOD IS GOOD!

MAGNETISM

I suffer from fibromyalgia and for the most part try to continue with normal life, including working until 3pm Monday to Friday. I have been able to achieve this mainly due to the wonderful help my husband has been to me. He has taken on many of my household chores and works uncomplainingly in the house.

Last month we returned from holiday and since then I have enjoyed the most wonderful spell of renewed energy. A few days before returning home from our trip I was finding I had more energy than usual, not having to lie down to rest in the afternoons. Following our return home I had the energy and enthusiasm to prepare a decent meal, bake bread and go for walks. This continued over the next weeks and I have to say my spirits were high.

Last Wednesday I attended our ladies bible study (a home group of 10 ladies)......
Q... If you would like, take a few minutes to come up with some creative language (poetic imagery or a word picture) that helps capture how you feel about drawing close to God. Put your words in the form of a prayer to God.

My answer.... 'Father draw me, as a magnet's invisible force, compel me to come to you. I know where my safety and surety is - I know where I find rest and peace - I want to abide in You Lord. What doth hinder me? Reveal it to me Father and show me how You would bring me to You. I want to abide in You Lord. Amen'

On Thursday and into Friday I felt it..... arms and legs numb and asleep, fatigue, nausea, irritable bowel, temperature extremes, headache, widespread pains, stiffness.....
Yes, God had answered my prayer. No, I didn't particularly like His answer. Yes, I do get the message.

It is IN this condition that God draws me to Himself....compels me to come to Him. My eyes are opened - I am looking for God - seeking His will - searching His purposes.

I have openly confessed in the past that this fibromyalgia brought me into a new, deeper and more meaningful relationship with my Savior. I do think these past weeks of relief from symptoms have served as a voice of confirmation of that from the Lord. In this misery of pain I am drawn to the Lord, I MUST come to Him, seek His company, His comfort and His reassurances that HE has HIS plans and HIS purposes - for my life and all that comes within it.

Yes, God did answer that prayer of mine - He has drawn me to Himself as with a magnet's compelling force.

AS THE DEER

'As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You o God'....Psalms 42 v 1Last Friday was the start of a week of personal mourning - grieving after the 'old me'...the energetic me who did her weeks grocery shopping before heading to start work at 8.30am. The old me who did errands on the way home from work, walked and groomed the dogs, cleaned the house, cooked a meal, did laundry, tended the garden, visited the sick....all in one day! The old me who was 'in control' and on top of, if not ahead of everything. I cannot accept she has gone. I don't know what I am supposed to think. I do keep looking for answers, therapies, cures, solutions. I have NEVER doubted God has plans and purposes and that He IS in control but I am impatient. I want to know and learn the lessons NOW Lord. Last Friday and all weekend was a spell of glorious weather....I did not even have enough energy to sit in the sun.....This Friday I feel alive and rejuvenated - I feel I belong to the world again.We had restaurant reservations for dinner - we cancelled them and had a Friday picnic. I was too weak and disinterested last week to even think about going anywhere and tonight I had energy - I wanted to be out in God's beautiful creation - enjoying the sunshine (though it was cool), the sea, rocks, trees, rabbits and deer.Various places we've travelled all over the years we've seen signs warning of deer crossing - we've looked out for them but NEVER seen them - tonight we saw SEVEN young deer, grazing, running, chasing and just enjoying life...freedom.Lord, I want to be like the deer....my soul panting after YOU...desiring only YOU....depending only on YOU.Is that what makes the difference? Has the Lord brought me so low this week to let me see my need for HIM. If I don't have Him I have nothing. I want to enjoy freedom in You Lord.Ha....I have just checked the meaning of seven - it just struck me there may be a significance in God showing me seven deer tonight.....'seven' from the Hebrew 'shevah' meaning 'to be full or satisfied, have enough of'.... my goal should be to be filled, my life filled with God alone.....Lord, I do not know what has made the difference in the PHYSICAL from one Friday to another.....but I do want to experience the difference in the SPIRITUAL when my life is filled with YOU alone. Father help me take my mind off the physical and focus on the spiritual - that which is eternal. YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE LORD.....make a difference in me. Amen.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Have not posted for a whole week....and can't believe feeling I have missed blogging! Is this addictive or what :)
Friday night again and we were so looking forward to another picnic night. Weather fantastic- clear blue skies, brilliant sunshine and the weatherman says a whopping 20 deg! We were all geared for lovely Murlough Bay but I just didn't have the energy. Sat out front for a while but didn't seem to have enough energy to be in the sunshine so we went to the backyard - cannot believe this fibro has reduced me to opting to sit in the shade!....and there we enjoyed our picnic.
Wasn't the most scenic of places, especially since next door has sprung a water leak which is running off their roof and into our yard! Anyhow we had a dry shady spot and just enjoyed each others company - and the picnic and of course we had our two girls looking on and waiting for treats!, so I reckon at the end of the day we were all happy :)

Jesus is in this storm-tossed boat....

I have found when the Lord really wants to get my attention He repeats His message - over and over - what a faithful, patient Father He is.

Yesterday we had a message read at church (Mark Ch 4) - the disciples are in the boat, crossing over to the other side. A storm rises up and Jesus, well He is asleep! Nowhere to be found when He is needed. The disciples call out to Him - here they are using all efforts to keep this boat afloat and He sleeps! The same message was taught on UCB radio in the afternoon and would you believe.....was my scheduled reading for nighttime! I would say God had truly got my attention by now....

How often have I felt as though I've just been cast adrift in the storms of this raging sea - left to battle the waves and winds on my own. I've sought the Lord's help, looked for signs of His presence but He hasn't been there.

'Let US cross over...', Jesus said. The disciples lost sight of the plan - all WOULD be well, they WOULD arrive safely....not only had Jesus planned their trip, He was with them... they would not go under! So it is with this journey I find myself on. I am not alone, my Saviour has embarked on this journey with me and He knows the route WE will take.

I suppose I feel the same despair the disciples felt when I can't see the Lord's presence and yet I do know He is with me. The disciples experienced the presence, power and deliverance of God in a way that was only possible through this storm - and I believe it is so with me. I am coming to know, and will yet know and experience the power of God in a deeper and fuller way and so I look to Him as we sail this storm together.

You know something....I'd rather have Jesus IN my boat asleep than sail without Him.

Let US cross over, Lord. Amen

To fight or not to fight....?

I titled this blog 'Fighting fibro-In faith'....this past couple of weeks I have wondered at the wisdom of those words....this title was very evidently created during a spell when I was on fighting form and my faith strong. I am presently coming through the worst period of pain and fatigue I have ever experienced. After enduring 10 weeks of sleeplessness (2 hours sleep per night) I have re-started Tahitian Noni Juice (2 weeks ago) and am now sleeping soundly through the night. I am however suffering greatly and feel the need to sleep the clock round - I actually felt less fatigued when I was sleeping two hours each night. (THE MYSTERIES OF FIBRO?) The pain in my shoulders and arms just seems to drag me down, my legs and arms are constantly cramped, my eyes are closing involuntarily and it is impossible to function....the worrying and sad thing is that I don't even want to function - I just feel so low that I don't have the interest.

God has His plans and I HAVE to believe he has planned fibro for me (I do not believe God has sent it but I do believe He has allowed it) ...I don't know why....I have asked why... never the question 'why me?' - more just 'why?' - being for what reason / purpose? I did feel guilty about looking for an answer to the 'why?' but I was encouraged then to read that even our Lord on the cross cried out 'My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?' If Jesus, who knew all things, could look for answers then I know God will understand the questionings of my imperfect heart. Lord, grant me patience as I await the unfolding of your plans in my life....

Zzzzzz............

I am updating this post after a peaceful night's sleep - I have woken feeling rested and more refreshed than I have done in the past two weeks. I have been encouraged by the Lord in the night...on occasion He has used the silence and peace of night to whisper to me - those are the times I've been able to be thankful for my sleeplessness. He has taken my mind back to an incident probably 6 or 7 years ago.....

Two gardens down from my back garden I could listen unobserved to a little boy walking and talking with his granddad. The little boy was only two so the pace was slow, but the questions were many, and they were 'why, why, why?' He could ask unashamedly and out of curiousity because he wanted to know - not because he questioned his presence or purpose in his surroundings or that He doubted where granddad was leading him.

God has shown me again that it IS okay to ask questions - to look for reasons - I am HIS child, walking this life with Him, and He understands. I will want to know WHY I am on this particular walk but thank God I am walking it with Him by my side.

I would think that Granddad didn't have all the answers - but I thank God that my Father in Heaven does - and He loves me much more than any earthly father or granddad and is in total control of my circumstances - even in these days when my pace is slow. Thank you for your whisperings to my heart Lord.

Newcomer to blogging!

This really started out as a personal journal/diary in a'word document' but, when looking into blogging I could see the results were much more impressive and attractive than any old 'word document' - and that's why I'm here!
My first blog post - I have been so uplifted and strengthened by the sharing and honesty of others when I visit their blogs that I felt I wanted to get in there too and communicate and hopefully encourage where possible. I have in the past been reluctant to share the limitations forced upon me by this fibromyalgia, almost as though keeping things to myself would make it all a little less real.... I also didn't see how hearing others problems and experiences would help me. I think though, with this 'invisble syndrome' it could help to share with the only ones who could possibly understand - fellow fibro sufferers. So hello blogland, and especially those of you with fibromyalgia or indeed any condition which is imposing restrictions on your life, my name is Linda and I'm a fibro victim! This is my journey....