END OF THE ROAD (1)

BEAUTY AND MISCHIEF ROLLED INTO ONE

Monday dawned and this is the day I've dreaded, hanging over me like a black cloud all weekend. Every time I've looked at my darling wee Jessie my heart breaks and I think that just a few more days and I will see her no more. How can I do this?

I get through work and head for home ...... bringing me nearer the dreaded hour. My girls are my first stop when I enter the house....and they know it! Because of the impending appointment for Jessie, she is to be given no tea tonight and, although it hurts me today of all days, I keep away from them. Not because they will expect to be fed.....but because I cannot bring myself to deny Jessie this last meal. How can I deprive her of food -the one remaining thing that has given her pleasure.

Somehow I while away an hour and I am racked with guilt - I go into my girls and chat to them, bringing them out to the company of the kitchen. It's been raining off and on all day and for once I don't want the sun to shine. We take a walk outside and I allow Jessie to wander around the garden, mindful as I watch her that she won't be here tomorrow, this is her last time to sniff these grasses.

I lift her in my arms and together we walk the garden. How many times have we cuddled together - and it hurts to know that it is all coming to an end. At 6.10pm I realise time is running out, if we are to keep that appointment we have to leave.
My girl sits in the front seat wearing her yellow lead, specially chosen for the brightness against her glossy black coat. Beneath her is her new blanket, marked with paw prints all over. With tears streaming down my cheeks I talk to her all the way to the vet's car park. I'm reminding her of all the fun times we've had, I'm telling her just how much she has meant to us and I hope she understands.

I carry Jessie into the waiting room and the mood is sombre - these staff know what we're here for and they also know how much this pet in my arms has meant to me. I take a seat and she settles in my arms. As I sit stroking her, attempting to offer comfort for her and for me, she stretches her little neck and licks my nose twice. Her little kisses have been precious to me and she would repeat them over and over and over again on request. She cannot know just how much this kiss now means to me.

A huge dog comes out of the surgery, my mind so far away that I cannot even recall it now. I try not to look - it just seems wrong that we should see one walk out of that surgery well and on its way home when I know I will carry my Jessie in there and she will never walk out again. Kate almost whispers us to come into the surgery - she dreads this as much as I do. I carry Jessie, her new blanket under her and set her gently on the table, in my mind I'm actually wondering if we could just back out now and go home. I'm torn, I don't want to let my Jessie go but I know for her good, I have to.

Kate explains that Jessie will first be given an injection in the hip to sedate her, and then a 'euthenasia' solution will be injected into her front leg. She gets her first injection and doesn't like it at all - bless her, she never did like them! She clings to me for security and that is more than I can bear. This girl has been such a brave soldier through so many struggles in her little life - it shouldn't have surprised me that she remains standing on the table for as long as possible. As I hold her, talk to her, ask her how we are EVER going to manage without our girl, she slowly drops her head and settles down on the table. So typical of how she would have slept, her two front legs are outstretched, paws closely side by side, and she rests her little chin on them. I stroke her gently, pushing the hair back from her face, just to look at it one last time and it feels good to be able to comfort her like this for 5 or 10 minutes without her being distressed as in recent months. It is comforting to see her sleep peacefully.

As the final injection is inserted in her little leg I know there is no going back. I'm losing her and the thought of not having her around is unthinkable. In just a few short minutes her heart stops - my darling Jessie is gone for ever...... her heart has stopped and I feel mine is breaking.

I say my final goodbyes to this little pet of mine and Kate and I wrap her in her paw-print blanket. Her little body is warm and soft and feels like she should be alive - but I know only too well she's not. Kate carries her snugly wrapped body to the car and we hug - I know she feels my pain.

On the drive home I want to scream. Jonathan meets us at the door and I cry and sob uncontrollably. Jessie has been a part of me, a loving part of our home for 15 years and I cannot imagine it without her. Her little grave has been dug while we were gone and I want her placed in it straight away - it just doesn't seem right that we should keep her waiting around. We had originally picked a spot to the left of the house, under a low, shady tree but I don't want her there now. I want her at the bottom of the garden - so I can look out and see her final place every time I look out of the window.....that's how she was in our lives - always close by and anxious for company. It wouldn't seem right that she be buried out of our sight.

As darkness closes in I can't see where she is. I nip out and place a little red candle on her grave - as I look out I know now exactly where she is. How many times has she heard me call in a panic 'where's Jessie?'.....she would understand.

END OF THE ROAD (2)

I looked at my watch - 6.45pm. I could see the gates of doggy Heaven opening wide and there she was.....my little Jessie proudly walking in, head held high. No longer did she stumble and knock into things on the way. How many times in recent months have we watched her find her way into a corner and get stuck there, unable to negotiate her way out. Oh, but not now. There she is, my 'wee woman', sight restored and bound for bigger and better things. She's now the Jessie of old - hair neatly groomed and her skirts flowing like silk - eyes dark and just sparkling with life - her bib snowy white against her pure black coat - and with her 4 perfect snow-white boots just dancing her way into doggy Heaven.

OUR GIRL!

I know my girl - she's not sitting back with her feet up......she's up there looking about for someone to 'mother' - there'll be someone just like Jojo. Someone who needs looking after and before you know it Jessie will seek them out. She'll stick that jet-black nose under their ear, flip it back over their head and she'll be washing their ears out. She'll wash their face and give the eyes a good going over -no dirty faces when Jessie's around!

JESSIE'S LAST WEEKEND

With a breaking heart the decision was made today - I visited with the vet Kate, who has treated our girls since their very first days with us. I simply couldn't put into words to her just how I felt life was like for our wee Jessie so I just had her read my post from 1st August. I watched with tears in my eyes as she read - I could have recited those words to her, I have read them so often over the past week. She gently said that she had to agree the time was right.....if life is causing Jessie distress, it is not life, and that I had made the right decision.

I thanked her! Somehow it helped to hear her say that she agreed and I could rest in the knowledge that I was not depriving Jessie of some precious days with us.

We now know the details of my darling Jessie's last day with us ...... it doesn't make it easier ....... it doesn't make it harder ...... it just makes it certain.

LETTING GO

We are coming through some massive 'life changes' or 'adjustments' this summer - I've thought today that it seems like this is a summer of 'letting go'. Perhaps the Lord is bringing us to a place of simplicity in life, a place where we are not bound by possessions? I do not know, I can only wonder.....and wait......and let go.

We've so far 'let go' of our home. My home is my sanctuary, how I love to get in there, close the door on the world and know that it's just me and mine in there. In my sanctuary I am free to be me and it's my place of solace, security and renewing. I very much make it what it is - and I have to say I'm pretty proud of my home and what we make it together....and I have loved my red door!

In Val's we have a bedroom, study and bathroom to call our own. Oh, we have evening use of a grand sitting room but, it's not ours. Amazing that we have been able to easily 'let go' and condense our possessions into these 3 rooms! And yes, these rooms are now my place of solace, security and renewing.

Sadly I fear the time is coming very near for another 'letting go'.......of my darling Jessie. We've had Jessie and Jojo for 15 years and they have been great and faithful friends. Well, Jessie has. I've had my problems and difficulties with Jojo for long years and she has certainly known how to test me and dominate me to the extreme. Thankfully she has mellowed - I put that down to her deafness - seems like she can tolerate me now that she no longer has to hear me! But Jessie - she has been my buddy through and through. Jessie has been my protector, stepping in to shield me from the fierce wrath of Jojo in her early morning rants at me. It has been Jessie who has lay on my belly, on her back and just snuggled, Jessie who slept behind me, her little chin resting on the bent crook of my knee.....and this became our pattern each day when I returned from work. In short, if Jessie could do anything to please - she did it, and more.

CHASE ME!!

Jessie was the one brimming over with mischief. When she was young her eyes just danced and sparkled with mischief - you could just see her wondering what to get at next. She was the one who waited for the shopping bags to be set down......located the carrots and worked and worked until she got them out - and she perfected it to get it accomplished in super quick time!
It was Jessie who learned how to remove the lid off my thought to be 'doggy-proof' bin - and proceeded to retrieve all the rubbish and litter it over the kitchen floor.
She could sniff out a peppermint or chewing gum in my handbag, and carefully remove tissues and other items until she got to the forbidden treat.

I've always said it was Jessie who trained us - not we who trained her although we of course liked to think we did! As a puppy we would catch her in an act, we would mention a command and that was it.....she would repeat on command. Like the time she was chewing a stone and I told her 'spit it out' - straight away she spat it out and was obedient about it ever since, even if it was some tasty morsel she had picked up off the street and really had her teeth into it. I think it mattered more to Jessie that she please us......and she sure did!

OUR GIRL IS GETTING OLD :(

The passing years and old age has changed all of that. Jessie is now blind and almost deaf and life has become very stressful for her. Touching her to reassure or comfort, offering guidance, grooming, feeding .....all these pleasurable things, that could in no way repay her for her faithfulness to us over 15 years, simply cause her further stress and anxiety. I cannot watch it!

Do I 'let go' now? - is this the time to part company with my beloved Jessie? I have loved her like I never thought it possible to love a dog - and she has returned that love in ways I could never have imagined. I've never needed words with Jessie - she just always knew when I needed an extra close snuggle and we've had many of them over the years. Now I need words ......I need to know if she's had enough....is life as big a struggle for her as it appears to me?

I struggle to cope with the distress she displays - I struggle to know what to do.
I don't want to let her go and yet I don't want her days to be filled with stress and anxiety - she deserves better. I want better for her.