WEIGHT ISSUES

This weekend I woke up afresh to the fact that I have W E I G H T issues! Oh, just think - all those years I really honestly did think I was FAT ...... well, I now weigh 30 pounds heavier than I did then! How did it happen??!!

Just one pound at a time creeping on. In the past couple of years I've tried Weight Watchers where I lost nothing, then a half-hearted attempt at Slimming World where I lost nothing and still the weight creeps steadily on!

I've blamed several things for this steady and sustained weight gain - the first being fibromyalgia.....well I do blame it for everything else! I look back though to all the walking I did several years ago and I don't have the energy for it now so I'm really getting very little exercise.

Yesterday was a turning point...... we were going to Barbara's for Sunday dinner and mum's birthday so I decided we would walk there and back. I think it was a good brisk 20 minute walk and you know what - didn't do me any harm at all. I just hope my energy levels keep up as I'd really like to get into being a little fitter.

In the evening, after a sumptious dinner and the 20 minute walk back I did some exercises on my newly acquired gym ball.

All was fine until this morning - back, neck, knees, thighs......is there any part of me that's NOT stiff and sore. Anyhow, I am determined....no point moaning about the size and shape of me, doing nothing about it and then spending the summer miserable because nothing fits me or looks right on me.

I've also joined the work weigh-in today - maybe this will give me a little added incentive.

MEMORIES OF JOJO

Fifteen years builds up quite a catalogue of memories and Jonathan and I have spent the weekend recalling much of the joy that Jessie and Jojo brought into our lives.

Letting them go has been tough. As I come into our bedroom Jojo's bed is still here - and I can't bring myself to let it go just yet. I can still smell the sweet scent of her newly washed coat in the room and last night I lifted her bed close to me and sniffed what was left of our Jojo.

TEDDY CUDDLES

Jojo was so very laid back - lazy I think! She could wander around the garden sniffing and then just decide no, she wouldn't bother peeing after all! When she got the message that she wasn't returning to the house until she did, she somehow managed to do it! Jojo could go almost 24 hours without toileting - I really think she just felt it was easier to hold on until the next time. She definitely didn't like getting wet - we've known her get to the door and, if it was raining, just decide she wasn't going out in that! She walked so gently and stately too - head held high, paws just skimming the ground - if it's possible for a dog, I'm sure she went on tiptoes. On the stairs she just seemed to glide up - almost like a rabbit in slow motion.

PRINCESS AND THE PEA!

Jojo certainly wasn't one for cuddles and nursing - always off on her own, happy just to be in her bed, or cushioned on the settee, or curled up on a mat....... until the last couple of years and then she seemed to want attention. She actually looked to be petted and stroked - loved to have her throat and chest stroked and would have sat all night for that. How often have we told her that she had missed out so much all those years- but then that's just how Jojo was. In some ways she was a very timid wee dog....she always held back and let Jessie take the lead, was never one for jumping up and when she did, she calculated her jump and leapt gently with precision.

GORGEOUS GIRL

Jojo was a rottweiler! Hard to believe now but this gentle little blonde Lhasa Apso terrorised me! Once Jonathan was out of the house her whole attitude changed and she let it be known that she was now in charge! When Jonathan worked early shifts I found it much easier some mornings to leave without breakfast rather than stay and fight with Jojo. Soon as I appeared she became totally vicious - like a different dog! She barked, snarled, bared her teeth and countless times her teeth were so close I could feel them on my legs. Nothing I could do, or not do, deterred her....... I tried the SuperNanny 'naughty step' approach by closing her in the boiler house but I ran out of time and had to bring her in before I left for work. I tried the water pistol shot but ended up with Jojo and the kitchen floor completely soaked. I tried a rolled up newspaper which she just tore to shreds with her teeth. In all of this poor Jessie would dash in, barking and nipping Jojo in the legs to distract her - which often had Jojo turning on her.

Jojo hated being brushed with a passion. Her coat was finer and I think perhaps her skin was more sensitive than Jessie's so I always tried to go carefully with her but, the nature of a Lhasa Apso's hair is that it requires much brushing.....not best news for Jojo! For a while we managed with Jonathan holding her while I brushed her, then I resorted to wearing gardening gloves to protect my hands and we managed somehow.

Jojo mellowed - she lost her hearing about 2-3 years ago and she just became the most wonderfully placid, docile, loving little dog. In all of that time we never heard her growl and she looked for, and enjoyed, attention. I wish there had been something we could have done to get her to this stage earlier in life.

Jojo was a stunner.......we see many Lhasa Apsos around town now........and we have yet to see one as pretty as our Jojo.

GOOD NIGHT JOJO

Another sad night as we have just said goodbye to dear wee Jojo.

BEAUTIFUL JOJO

She has been in decline for a while and the past couple of weeks have reminded me much of Jessie's last few weeks. Life for Jojo became just a toddle around, eat, sleep, toddle around, eat, sleep. Last night I bathed her, with the help of a mild sedative from the vet......bathing had become possible without a sedative but, if grooming was required it was necessary. She got her 6mg sedation dose at 3.45 and just zonked out. When I look back now I'm so so sorry that I continued with her bathing and grooming - surely she must have wondered what I was up to - why couldn't I see she was in distress. Did she think to herself what was I doing?? She never did enjoy being brushed so it's not even as if she and I were having some final quality time together.

She went into a sound, sound, sleep and a couple of times I wondered about it but felt she would just sleep it off and be fine in an hour or two. By the time 10pm came I was really worried and telephoned the vet's office. The on-call vet assured me that, considering Jojo's age, it was probably to be expected. The sedation could be in her system for up to 8 hours, possibly longer with her age, especially if she was frail, which she was....very.

I cosied her back into her bed with clean blankets and she just lay there, not stirring, but her eyes following me when I came closer.....sad, heavy eyes.

We all slept and I woke in the morning expecting to see her revived and ready to toddle, eat, sleep, for another day. Not so. Jonathan took her outside as was their usual routine - then fed her and walked her down the avenue. Bless her, she did manage to eat and walk but I wonder just how much effort that took her little body. Jonathan brought her back into her bed in our bedroom and I could hear her heavy breathing which was unusual - Jojo has always slept silently. I got out of bed and saw that she was just wrapped in her blanket exactly as I had left her 5 minutes earlier. I lifted her and her little body was limp, not even the energy to hold her head up, and I brought her into bed beside me. She has never been one for cuddling - a few minutes was always Jojo's limit and then she'd be on her way again - Miss Independence. Today she just lay. No fight - no interest - and it broke my heart. How I wished the old Jojo would surface and just struggle away from me. As I went to shower I settled her into bed again - still no interest and no movement.
As I left for work her eyes were sad and mournful, there was still no flicker of interest or movement from her.

When I got to work I phoned the vet's again and made an appointment to bring her in at 9.50. I picked Jojo up again about 9.30 - and still she hadn't moved in her bed.
As I lifted her out to the car I snuggled her close to me - oh how soft and sweet her fur has always been - and today she's so snowy white and fresh. Kate (the vet)checks her over and believes she may have gone into kidney failure. She says how very frail and light she is - oh how long have I grieved when I've felt every bone on her tiny back. She suggests running blood tests to check things out and says she will be in touch as soon as she has results, will also put her on a drip which should help her to come round, so I leave Jojo in her care.

Very soon after I return to work I phone Kate - I know I do not want Jojo's suffering prolonged - or her life prolonged just because I don't want to face the grief. As I phone Kate has just been handed the test results which show that our Jojo has indeed gone into kidney failure. Any relief they can give her would be very short term - her little body is giving up and all organs will start to fail. Our Jojo - the one who's been the fighter and has fought her own health battles in times past is losing this one. I know we have to let her go.

With a heavy heart the appointment is made for 3.50 - Jonathan and I will go to the vet's and say goodbye to our little lady.

GOD IS FOR ME

What a wonderful thought....GOD IS FOR ME!

GOD......the only true God - all powerful

IS......present tense.....ongoing, sure and certain.

FOR.....no matter how much is against me. I can be buffetted on all sides, feeling opposed at every turn but have the assurance that God is FOR me.

ME.....yes, it's personal. God is for ME.

(I found this saved as a 'draft' as I was posting about our loss of Jojo......can truly not remember writing it but it has soothed my soul tonight. I guess the Lord had it stored away waiting for me)

THANK YOU ALL BUNCHES!!!

I cannot believe my rambling of a diary / blog is featured on Living Whole!!

The past weeks I have written as a means of personal therapy, just pouring my heart out to my blog and weeping buckets over my keyboard - it got to the stage where I had to say I would write no more and read no more of my darling Jessie - it was just too much for me to go through. I miss her dreadfully but am so very thankful that we had her in our lives for 15 years, and it means a lot that you all cared to read this and comment.

I have missed being around LW in recent months - you may have read that we moved house and that was a MAJOR move! The incompetence of our national telephone provider company has left us without a landline and broadband connection since 1st of July and we still have no indication when they will fulfil our order! Having said all of that - my evening time is now much more limited but I do hope to be around again and re-connect with my dear friends at LW.

So.....I love you all dearly......and I do think of you all often ..... thank you for caring and keeping in touch.

END OF THE ROAD (1)

BEAUTY AND MISCHIEF ROLLED INTO ONE

Monday dawned and this is the day I've dreaded, hanging over me like a black cloud all weekend. Every time I've looked at my darling wee Jessie my heart breaks and I think that just a few more days and I will see her no more. How can I do this?

I get through work and head for home ...... bringing me nearer the dreaded hour. My girls are my first stop when I enter the house....and they know it! Because of the impending appointment for Jessie, she is to be given no tea tonight and, although it hurts me today of all days, I keep away from them. Not because they will expect to be fed.....but because I cannot bring myself to deny Jessie this last meal. How can I deprive her of food -the one remaining thing that has given her pleasure.

Somehow I while away an hour and I am racked with guilt - I go into my girls and chat to them, bringing them out to the company of the kitchen. It's been raining off and on all day and for once I don't want the sun to shine. We take a walk outside and I allow Jessie to wander around the garden, mindful as I watch her that she won't be here tomorrow, this is her last time to sniff these grasses.

I lift her in my arms and together we walk the garden. How many times have we cuddled together - and it hurts to know that it is all coming to an end. At 6.10pm I realise time is running out, if we are to keep that appointment we have to leave.
My girl sits in the front seat wearing her yellow lead, specially chosen for the brightness against her glossy black coat. Beneath her is her new blanket, marked with paw prints all over. With tears streaming down my cheeks I talk to her all the way to the vet's car park. I'm reminding her of all the fun times we've had, I'm telling her just how much she has meant to us and I hope she understands.

I carry Jessie into the waiting room and the mood is sombre - these staff know what we're here for and they also know how much this pet in my arms has meant to me. I take a seat and she settles in my arms. As I sit stroking her, attempting to offer comfort for her and for me, she stretches her little neck and licks my nose twice. Her little kisses have been precious to me and she would repeat them over and over and over again on request. She cannot know just how much this kiss now means to me.

A huge dog comes out of the surgery, my mind so far away that I cannot even recall it now. I try not to look - it just seems wrong that we should see one walk out of that surgery well and on its way home when I know I will carry my Jessie in there and she will never walk out again. Kate almost whispers us to come into the surgery - she dreads this as much as I do. I carry Jessie, her new blanket under her and set her gently on the table, in my mind I'm actually wondering if we could just back out now and go home. I'm torn, I don't want to let my Jessie go but I know for her good, I have to.

Kate explains that Jessie will first be given an injection in the hip to sedate her, and then a 'euthenasia' solution will be injected into her front leg. She gets her first injection and doesn't like it at all - bless her, she never did like them! She clings to me for security and that is more than I can bear. This girl has been such a brave soldier through so many struggles in her little life - it shouldn't have surprised me that she remains standing on the table for as long as possible. As I hold her, talk to her, ask her how we are EVER going to manage without our girl, she slowly drops her head and settles down on the table. So typical of how she would have slept, her two front legs are outstretched, paws closely side by side, and she rests her little chin on them. I stroke her gently, pushing the hair back from her face, just to look at it one last time and it feels good to be able to comfort her like this for 5 or 10 minutes without her being distressed as in recent months. It is comforting to see her sleep peacefully.

As the final injection is inserted in her little leg I know there is no going back. I'm losing her and the thought of not having her around is unthinkable. In just a few short minutes her heart stops - my darling Jessie is gone for ever...... her heart has stopped and I feel mine is breaking.

I say my final goodbyes to this little pet of mine and Kate and I wrap her in her paw-print blanket. Her little body is warm and soft and feels like she should be alive - but I know only too well she's not. Kate carries her snugly wrapped body to the car and we hug - I know she feels my pain.

On the drive home I want to scream. Jonathan meets us at the door and I cry and sob uncontrollably. Jessie has been a part of me, a loving part of our home for 15 years and I cannot imagine it without her. Her little grave has been dug while we were gone and I want her placed in it straight away - it just doesn't seem right that we should keep her waiting around. We had originally picked a spot to the left of the house, under a low, shady tree but I don't want her there now. I want her at the bottom of the garden - so I can look out and see her final place every time I look out of the window.....that's how she was in our lives - always close by and anxious for company. It wouldn't seem right that she be buried out of our sight.

As darkness closes in I can't see where she is. I nip out and place a little red candle on her grave - as I look out I know now exactly where she is. How many times has she heard me call in a panic 'where's Jessie?'.....she would understand.

END OF THE ROAD (2)

I looked at my watch - 6.45pm. I could see the gates of doggy Heaven opening wide and there she was.....my little Jessie proudly walking in, head held high. No longer did she stumble and knock into things on the way. How many times in recent months have we watched her find her way into a corner and get stuck there, unable to negotiate her way out. Oh, but not now. There she is, my 'wee woman', sight restored and bound for bigger and better things. She's now the Jessie of old - hair neatly groomed and her skirts flowing like silk - eyes dark and just sparkling with life - her bib snowy white against her pure black coat - and with her 4 perfect snow-white boots just dancing her way into doggy Heaven.

OUR GIRL!

I know my girl - she's not sitting back with her feet up......she's up there looking about for someone to 'mother' - there'll be someone just like Jojo. Someone who needs looking after and before you know it Jessie will seek them out. She'll stick that jet-black nose under their ear, flip it back over their head and she'll be washing their ears out. She'll wash their face and give the eyes a good going over -no dirty faces when Jessie's around!